Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Stuck

There is great comfort in knowing that one is not alone in his or her trial. To know that, somewhere, somtime, there was another person who has walked the path you now walk, can be a balm to the depths of the heart. But what happens when we face those mountains that, to the best of our knowledge, have never been crossed. I think that it is there that as a Christian I feel stuck. I am desperate to feel normal, to rejoin the land of the of the "simple walking". I am afraid that I have streched my mind much farther than my faith can hold, and although I am would not call this swamp I now find myself a faith crisis, I would gladly call it a faith sucking vacume.

I long to simply believe again. To be a child in the arms of God agian, is at once my greatest hope and yet a terrible fear. I have spent so long learning about God so that I could teach others, or in order that I may wage a war of words against the skeptic. Yet now I find that I myself am terribly confused and I cannot seem to be able to tell the difference between what I truly believe and that which I want to believe. I want to believe that God is good and that God loves me, and yet oddly enough I find myself unnable to think of what those things really mean. Jargon, it all has muddled down to jargon , like when you say a word so much that it loses its meaning.

I long for what I want, and yet I fear that what I want is not true, and this for no othere reason than because i want it. I want God to be good, and I want God to love me and I want those things to be true in the simple way that I seem to remember.

What it means to follow God is not as simple or as complex as one might think. No, it is more confusing, more grey, and more quiet; very much like the way the world really is. It almost makes sense.

I hope Jesus will hold on to me as it all almost makes sense, for it seems that my faith has rested upon that condition, that things make sense. And so my faith is failing. Yet I hope, and I long to hope.