Today Just Today

I have no confidence in my ability to change the world. I dont even have any confidence in being able to change myself.

It is quite a paradox that humankind has come upon, and it is quite a burden we have lifted to our own shoulders. God is dead and we have killed him, the requiem rings. Man is now the definor of all things, what a priveledge and yet what terror. Humanism is at once the illusion of complete freedom and the pride of autonomy, and yet it holds within itself one fatal flaw.

I have not the stregth in my own character to live in humility. I have not the will to do what is right, for what I want to do, I do not do, and what I do not want to do, I do. I have not the determination within my own bones to break my addictions, and to silence the shout of ambition in my ear. I do not even have the strength and goodness to be consitently good to those who have been and still are so good to me. To to my teachers and mentors, to my family, and to my friends, I offer nothing more than failure. And to my wife, who is the warmth of my life, whose goodness toward me had been selfless and without end, I offer her nothing of what she diserves. I give her nothing but what I can spare, the scraps that are left after my own selfishness has had its fill. I have not the power to break my self and I have not the power to rebuild myself. It is though I am a spectator in my own flesh, and I watch as those same mistakes are made over and over again, and I watch and do verry little. From me to myself, there is no cord of power that binds me to the goodness I do not even desire whole heartedly. I am a miserable man, not in pity, but in the reality of helplesness.

We are all as I am, not as I am, but as I am. The riddle simply means that we are all in our own way spectators in our own flesh, we have all done and said things which at the very moment of saying or doing we come to know that we ought not to have done or said so. We all have dark corners which we seem to be incapable of illuminating, we all have that haunting sensation that we will be found out. We all know the weekness of our will. For some this is brought out with chocolate, others with heroin, others with sex, others with anger, and yet others with diets and deadlines.

This is the paradox of humanism, man is the all definer the savior of himself and the world, and yet man cannot save himself, if he cannot save himself how can he save the world? Even worse, if man is the all definer, that what is man and what does he need savinf from? What is the world and why does the world need saving? Define for me what is life and why life needs protecting.

Humanism not only fails because it contradicts the very core reality of our being in that we cannot even change ourselves much less the world, but it does not even give you what it is that needs to change. If man is the measure of all things than nothing has a measure, for man has never even been able to measure himself, define herself, change himself, or save herself. History is a symphony of familiar music from age to age, and all humanity has to offer are the same notes.


I am left to hope in the one who might give me the strenght to be different, to play a different note, and to throw off the spectators dispair and dirty my hands in work that has been prepared before hand for me. But I am given nothing but one moment at a time, handed down to me by the creator and the author of life, the all definer, the LOGOS. I am given nothing besides one day. Today He lives in me, today He is sanctifying that which is sinful, and today He prepares me for a place He has prepared for me. Today there will be change, today there will be hope today there will be strenth for me, today there will be grace for me. Today, all He gives me is today. And this day I choose, me and my house will serve the Lord.

For all my hope rests in that He will give me Himself today, and that day by day, He will prove that He is enough for every day.